Five Probable Reasons Why We Keep Dating Emotionally Unavailable People.

Let me tell you about the story of a girl who fell in love with someone who can’t love her back the way she wanted him to…Oh wait…that’s the story of the A LOT of people here on earth, right?

Well the thing is, many people are guilty of this. Men and women alike have a tendency to fall for someone who is not emotionally available. We stay in a relationship, no matter how long we’ve been hurting because most of us are waiting for things to come around – for that other person to ‘see’ our worth, for that person to eventually  love us the way we wanted them to. Sadly, even if we got the chance to leave a hellish relationship, chances are we’ll fall for the same type of person again.

Other than thinking of why those relationships failed and how badly most of our ex-lovers treated us, why don’t we figure out why we keep dating emotionally unavailable people? Here are five probable reasons why:

#1. Getting them to love us would be a great validation of our own worth.

If we can get that person, that one elusive, totally detached person to love us, it could mean that we are good enough to be loved. Knowing that we made someone, who is incapable of love or commitment to fall for us would surely boost our self-esteem.

I think that’s also why so many women are drawn to men with a “bad-boy” image. Somehow there’s a challenge to that but there’s also danger because  we can’t change anyone, and they certainly won’t change because of us. Besides, I don’t think love is about “changing the people we love”, right? This also brings us to point #2.

#2. Control.

Most people want to be in control because they want to feel safe. They want to change their partner’s behavior according to what they deem fit because maybe, they’re also scared that if that person changes into someone that can not be controlled, that person would realize that we’re not what they need…and leave.

#3. It’s easier to look at other’s faults than our own.

Its always a bit scary and hurtful when we are told about our shortcomings and flaws. Some of us get hurt by criticisms and do not handle them well. Some of us don’t want to admit our imperfections and weaknesses. We just don’t want to admit that there’s something wrong with us.  That’s why its easier to divert the attention by blaming others and pointing a finger to someone else. Let’s face it, sometimes, its messier to deal with our own selves.

#4. We can play the victim.

Its easier to play the victim when love’s at play. If other people can see how “bad” the other person is, then we’d be the martyr. We’re the ones who deserve someone better and we don’t need to change anything about us.

#5. We can live in a fantasy world.

We stay in a relationship while imagining what the other person can be if they do become emotionally available in time. We fall in love with an illusion of a perfect partner and perfect love. After all, that may be the only thing they can’t provide, right? The emotional commitment? Please think again and wake up.

Living in a fantasy world also provides temporary refuge when we don’t want to face reality. When we’re hurting and feeling unloved, a world of make-believe can numb the pain somehow.

Whether you agree or disagree, it would be best if we fix ourselves first before we enter a relationship. We can’t expect other people to fill whatever void we think we’re missing. And we certainly can’t expect an emotionally available person to commit if we too, in reality are also emotionally unavailable.